Phoenix (it)
I consider myself gender fluid.
I very much identify with gender fluid nowadays, and I wasn't for a long time. I was very much like, I am a trans masc person and I have to be very binary about that. But over the last like, five years or so, I've been in a much more wibbly wobbly, experimental place with it. Gender fluidity also feels so different in every relationship, and different in every part of a relationship.
I wish more people understood that gender really does change every day. No matter what you see, like no matter what you perceive, that may or may not be real. Your perception is not reality and more people need to be able to accept that fact. I just wish everyone would just calm the fuck down and everyone would just chill the fuck out and just let people do what they want. Like, get a life.
My parents...did their best. When I first came out as trans, I was a teenager and I think the idea of not fitting into a box of some sort was very scary for them. And I think there's this idea of like if you're not going to be a girl, be a boy, that would be easier, that will more sense. That will be easier to explain to family. You'll still be in a box of some sort and I think that's comforting for them.
I was on testosterone from about 18 to 22. And then I stopped. For a variety of reasons, but part of it was wanting to see what happened and explore and experiment. Because, I mean, when I started T, and doing medical gender transition stuff in general, it was a very different world. At the time it wasn't so experimental, you weren't encouraged to take your time with it and try things. Like microdosing hormones was not a thing. It was just like, you either do it or you don't do it. And same thing with top surgery, you do it or you don't do it. And if you were going to be trans masc, that's the direction you go in. I don’t regret any of that, it’s what I needed at the time. But I went off because I wanted to see what happened or what would go back, what wouldn’t go back, what would change. Then I started to kind of get more comfortable with different kinds of presentations. I think we're all always learning how to be ourselves. I think that’s when I started, especially as an adult, learning to be myself.
I was on T for a long time. Four years is a while. And there are things that changed that will never go back. There are things that changed and did go back. There are a lot of things that changed back like part of the way, but not all the way. I don't necessarily know if any of that is good or bad to me, but it does mean my body has been through a lot of fluctuations. And because it's gone through so many fluctuations also contributes to like, why I don't know who I am. And I don't know if I ever will because my body's always constantly changing.
Art imitates life. My life has changed a lot.
When I first started performing, I was at a point in my life where I was feeling very femme and coming at it from a very femme perspective, I guess. And even though I was performing for other queer and trans people, and even though I was happy when I was performing in a very femme way, the idea of someone looking at me and not knowing I was trans or looking at me and having this idea like, oh, there's some other cis girl performer. Like that is not acceptable for me. That is definitely not like how I feel in my body and in my soul.
I am always continuing to figure out who I am, and I had to reflect that in my art. This is a really bad performer thing but like...before a lot of my shows, I would just turn to my partner be like, should I just change what I'm doing? Should I completely change the music? Like I get this manic energy before every single show where I will turn to them and be like...but what if I just...completely do something new and have to e-mail the producer last minute. I have done that. I'm not proud of this, but a big part of why that is is sometimes I'll put on the outfit I’m supposed to be performing in and be like, ok this is not right.
I realized that I'm not always feeling like just one kind of performer. I think I found my niche at this point. I know I'm a goth. I know like, my gender is goth and that's fine. But I think I’m allowing myself more room within that. And not also forcing myself outside of that, but more expanding what that means. And it is better for me because I think sometimes I feel pressure to be very like, pretty and fluffy and cute and beautiful and do that classic thing that will just never be my taste. And that's totally OK. I know some really beautiful classic burlesque performers, but that will never be me. But what is me is also not stagnant, so I think it's been interesting allowing myself flexibility.
I have had top surgery. I don't have titties. A lot of times like performing and performing amongst a group of people who, regardless of their gender, they're more able to be perceived in a standardly desirable way. And so like when I'm entering into performance spaces. Like on one hand. I want to be myself. I want to be authentic, but this is a job and I do need to make money ideally. And in order to do that used to be a certain amount of desirable. And sometimes it's hard not to get into my head about what that means.
My body and my face and just how I look is going to be different from that of the other performers. I think non-binary AFAB people don't really enjoy understanding their own privilege when they have not gone through medical transitioning. Especially sex workers, especially burlesque performers. If you have a job where you are taking your clothes off for the entertainment of other people, if you're skinny, if you’re able-bodied if you have titties, if someone can look you from the audience and not question your gender, they are still going to give you money. You're going to get booked because you are standardly desirable. There is a certain amount of privilege to that.
I am mentally ill.
I have lots of issues. I have ADHD and potentially autism, depending who you ask. I’m what is called peer reviewed autistic, meaning everyone in my life thinks I'm autistic. And being trans, and knowing that from a very young age...you don't really have the opportunity to figure out who you are in a very solidified way. Like any notions of who are weren't really real, weren't really true and they were impacted by this facade that you feel like you have to keep up, this mask you put on.
I'm also disabled and I have chronic pain and there are days where I resent my body for the pain that I feel and for the other symptoms and experiences I have no control over. There are days where I resent my body for the fact that I can't bend reality. Like I love my tattoos and I love my body mods, the haircuts, I appreciate all the ways I can customize my character and create myself in whatever image I want. But there is a limit to the realities of that situation and a lot of days where I am not feeling good in myself and in my gender it’s difficult to be okay and happy in a body that doesn't allow me to make all the decisions.
I don't even feel like a person most of the time. I feel like a little creature. Like, existing and doing their best. I really identify with creaturehood. One of my acts is all about that, the trans relationship that we have to transformation mythology and monsters and creatures. Something I wish more trans people felt comfy with is embracing monstrosity. And I know it's not that simple, it's not safe for everyone. We live in a really awful world. But I love being called a creature and a pet and like things that aren't even human, the dehumanization is tons of fun and that is not bad, you know. One of my pronouns is “it”. People usually take that in a couple different ways. Some people will take it as like “trans people get dehumanized and that’s unethical and triggering.” Like, OK, that's fine that you feel that way, it’s still a pronoun I like. The other way is people saying that you're having people engage with you in a kink way, in a way that they’re not consenting to. I'm like, well, it's not just a kink thing. Like, for me, it is just an everyday thing I really enjoy. I enjoy that part of my trans identity and embracing monstrosity and embracing creaturehood that which is outside of like human realms. Because humanity has created these constructs that I just don't feel like I fit into. So take humanity out of it.
But something I get very stuck in still, especially with performing, is I have this innate need to always be pretty. I think I'm slowly but surely working on this innate, desperate need, and it really is a desperation that I have, to feel desired. And to feel desired authentically. But I will say I feel lucky enough that I'm in relationships that allow me to feel that. And that's also where I'm very much T4T at this point in my life. There's nothing like being seen, the way that you can be seen by other trans people. That's really a special thing.
