Nico (they/them)
I'm Nico. They/them. I don't really feel like gender should be a thing.
I am what you'd call a "gender atheist" in that I don't believe in nor participate in how broader society views the social construct that is gender.
I'm feeling slightly like "fuck these tits” right now because right now I'm so sweaty, like I can feel the puddle. But a lot of the time I'm pretty neutral to these, or I even like them. I like slapping people in the face with them. I can threaten with them. I'd say probably around like middle school and high school is when gender exploration began for me. In the beginning that shit felt scary as the thought of truly expressing myself kinda mortified me. So it was very much making myself exist outside my comfort zone til it became my new comfort zone.
Growing up, everyone tried to drill into me what femininity was and all this kind of shit. And I'm like very much a tomboy girl. So I was like, no, why the fuck should I do that? I knew already from the jump that I don't really fit what the femme stereotypes should be. So in high school I dipped into masculinity and all that, and I was like no, I don't really like this either. And so like for a while I was just like what the fuck am I? And then when I got to my high school's GSA, the Gay-Straight Alliance, I found the term “agender”. Just no gender. And I was like you know what, yes! Like I don't care. Ultimately, I don't give a fuck. So did it resonate, that's the word that makes sense. Because I don't like either extreme, but I don't mind flexing either extreme sometimes, you know, so it's like, why should I have to be beholden to one box? Being agender feels like kind of existing in a void, like I don't need to be beholden to whoever says I need to do this or that. I’m just a person and I just need to survive. Read me how you want to read me. Because that's going to happen anyway. I feel most right in my gender when people look on at me in confusion as they try to fit me in whatever box they think I should be in.
My friends in high school, they were all gay growing up, so like they were all with it. My family, on the other hand...
I remember when gay marriage got legalized, and I was looking at their reaction to it, and they were just very negative. So at that point I was like, I don't care to come out to them about this. If you can't figure out how much of a fruit I am, that's on you. I'm already out with my friends, that's essentially who I really talk to and who knows me at this point. At this point I kind of don't give a fuck, like I'm an adult. I don't really care to hide myself. I'm just like if y'all don't fuck with it, that's too bad. I legally changed my name, so you're going to have to call me by my name or I'm just not going to respond.
I kinda stopped worrying about how I present to people and focused more on how I want to present to myself, like trying to make myself feel better, how I want to feel. For a long time I didn't really touch anything femme, like my relationship with femininity was not good. But I'll be androgynous, like that's pretty cool. I wanna do my nails sometimes, put on some of my lipstick. But full on doing makeup fully wasn't a thing I started until recently.
A few years ago I had a really high hi-top cut, it looked hella androgynous. I was coming out of a store and accidentally bumped into a man outside. He looked at me and said "what's your problem lil man?" in a very aggressive manner like dude was ready to square up. I turned around to address him but before I could I guess he saw my tits and his demeanor switched up quick. He became very apologetic and I just said, in a very deep man voice, "It's okay dude we all make mistakes". He looked at me like I just flashbanged him and he asked loudly what the fuck am I. I just laughed at him and shrugged.
I like exuding a kind of cryptic vibe, like you don't what I am, I don’t know what I am. We're gonna experience this together. I call myself a coochie cryptic. I want to be a walking enigma. If someone's like, what are you? I'm an experience.
My relationship with my body has been way less fraught over the years since I've come to be more accepting about it and what avenues I could take and what I could do.
It is what it is, and I do like some aspects of it. And I am doing some things to make other aspects of it into something I like even more. But I'm not sure if I'll ever come to truly love my body. That's a process. It’s been turbulent to say the least. It's a constant back and forth of me knowing how I'd like my body to be and dealing with the reality that I may never attain it. Like I am forever on a path to shape my body to how I'd want it and not feeling the euphoria that comes with it.
When you take acid, they tell you not to look at yourself in the mirror. But that's the first thing I did. And that actually really helped me form what I want to do, like even taking testosterone and everything. I had like a little mustache and little chin beard, and I was like, I kind of like that! It's even more androgynous, my big ass tits and beard. Being on T has been a real engine. I feel my horniness go way up. There's the bottom growth. Even anger and aggression, I channel it now. The deeper voice, maximizing the muscles.
I just recently went to my gynecologist to go get my fallopian tubes removed. So I signed the consent form and now I have to wait the mandatory waiting period for them to be able to schedule it because of the whole like “what if you change your mind about wanting kids” thing. But like, no. Absolutely not. I have absolutely no interest. Me and children are far away, like it’s a no from me, dog. I feel the least right in my gender when bigots say I should be happy I have a uterus and that I will never be a person till I shit one out from my coochie.
Anyway, I wish people understood that gender really shouldn't be the be all end all, you don't need to focus that heavily on it. You don't have to hold yourself to unrealistic standards that society wants you to chase because it benefits whatever capitalistic shit you want to me buy. I used to work at Lush like a few years, and I was one of the ones making bath bombs. And I got so many like soccer moms being like, where is the men’s soap? And it’s like....soap has no gender!! What do you want, like a bath bomb full of diesel and gasoline?? Motor oil and disappointment? Gtfo.
