Liam (he/they)
My relationship with my body right now is ever changing, as my transition is in full force.
Overall, I have very little dysphoria these days, but occasional bouts of dysmorphia. Every day, I notice a new beard hair, or a voice crack, and those things bring me great joy! Shaving my face for the first time last month really made me feel like each follicle in my body is embracing my transition with full force. Being shirtless at the beach or pool feels like a cannonball, healing my inner child! My body is a temple, that I’ve neglected for so long, and my self care journey has been so connected to my transition, that I’m now finally starting to worship at the temple I live in.
I started T about nine months ago, which is about three years after I had top surgery. When I first came out, I didn't feel ready to start T because I think I was very insecure in my feelings and masculinity. I've shied so much away from masculinity previously in my life because of the toxicity that often comes with it. And so that has kind of created this like distance in myself from masculinity. I have since gotten over that, but at first I was really shying away from it.
I feel most right in my body when my clothes hug my curves just right, in flashy gogo attire showing off my scars and stretch marks, when someone addresses me as “sir” at the checkout of the grocery store, when I’m in a full suit with a hand tied tie. If you couldn’t tell, my clothes play such a huge part in my gender euphoria. I’ve had a complicated and ever changing relationship with clothes, but finding my own flamboyant masculinity has led me to a more affirming wardrobe.
Seeing my body change on T has been fascinating. I mean, my partner swears that she could hear the difference in my voice after the first shot. But it's been really, really cool, I think, especially as a singer, to feel my voice dropping every single day. And to like feel how different it feels to sing certain notes now, like your vocal folds are literally changing. That's so fascinating to me, just from a pedagogical standpoint. Every day it's like always something different. Which was really cool, and I'm trying to appreciate that more than I have.
I think a lot of finding what felt right came from like having affirming people around me.
So like having a partner that was just excited to refer to me as a boyfriend and asked if I wanted to be referred to that way. Having my mom be like, so I know you definitely don't like daughter, but like, would son be okay? I was like, I prefer like kid or child just because I still very much identify within the non-binary spectrum. But having people ask me these affirmative questions really helped me.
My prized possession growing up were my gorgeous lengthy curly Greek locks of brunette hair. I cried and cried if hairstylists took more than 1/4 inch off. The day finally came, however, where my Samson strands no longer served me. I was in a musical at the time I came out as non binary, and after getting the okay from my director for a big change, I booked an appointment that day, chopped it all off, and got blonde frosted tips. I surprised most everyone in my life, and it was the first time I felt like I didn’t need to hide behind my hair. My confidence soared, and I’ve never gone back since.
Top surgery was so crazy. I just remember like coming into consciousness before I open my eyes and like. When I say I felt peaceful, like I truly, truly felt peaceful, I knew it was the right decision for me. I had only been thinking about it for like maybe like six months to a year before it happened, but I totally knew it was the right thing for me and I have zero regrets.
It makes me dissociate hard when I’m misgendered, it makes me feel small and tiny, my broad shoulders shrink into themselves. It makes me feel unsettled in my bones thinking about all the anti-trans legislation, and anti-trans violence that has occurred. It makes me feel scared for myself, and unsafe in my body.
I wish more people understood that gender isn’t something that has to be one thing all the time. Because like yes, my gender is transmasculine. And yes, I'm transmasculine all of the time, but that doesn't take away from the fact that, like in some situations like the way you refer to me can still be invalidating. Like I use he/him and they/them pronouns, and I tend to say it's like a “big he little they”. You know, it's very much like he/him for people who don't know me very well. Like, if you're a straight person and you're only they/them-ing me, like, question what you're so afraid of calling me he/him for. And you know, and similarly, if you only ever known me as he/they and you're using she/her pronouns, maybe question why it is that you feel that need do that.
The past 6 years have absolutely flown by, and for that I feel so grateful. There’s been tough moments, like the moment I realized what I was experiencing gender dysphoria about my chest for the first time, which contrasts so greatly with the feeling of seeing my flat chest for the first time. There’s been lots of poetry, both that I’ve written and in the poeticism of my transition. I’ve taken lots of photos of myself over the years, most notably when I cut my hair short for the first time. I’m grateful for these photos, and for the memories that come with them, because it reminds me how beautiful any transition in life can be, and to not be so worried about the destination, but to enjoy the journey.
If my body could talk to me, My body would definitely tell me to be patient and kind with myself. It would tell me to take it easy when my self care and self improvement doesn’t go as planned, to be gentle with myself when someone makes a backhanded or mean comment, or when I get misgendered (how? Idk). And I would say the same thing, I need to take pride in my growing and changing body. I need to show my body gratitude for all it does for me. I need to worship at the altar that I live in, and shower myself with love and adoration.
