DiDi Opulence (she/her)
When I was a kid, I did not know that I was gonna grow up and look like a quote-unquote “man”. Like in my head, I thought I was going to look like my mom or my sister.
And then I was confused when everyone was making me not do those things or look that way. I grew up with a severe eating disorder. And a lot of physical self harm. Probably from the time I was a kid. Everyone started you know, being mad at me for things that I was just doing that was just like how I stood or how I spoke. Like having, like, grown adults correct that, it just it obviously it makes a kid feel like you're the problem. Because I'm not doing anything wrong. You're just literally saying me, that's the issue.
I was very severely bulimic. In hindsight, it was gender dysphoria, and like cognitive dysfunction. I was not liking what I was seeing in the mirror and I couldn't understand why. And it comes from our horrible body standards, like the fear of getting bigger would probably have made me feel like I wasn't gonna be feminine. So I hated my body for most of my life, and I never thought that I wouldn't.
In the early pandemic/lockdown I started identifying as non-binary. Then I moved to Washington state with a partner at the time, and his mom is just like, so fucking dope and incredible. And like I found out what a parent could be when it comes to gender. She allowed me to talk about things I was feeling in ways that no adult really ever had and I was like, oh, it's actually all OK and normal. And like, all this is new for her, but she's not acting in like some weird, bigoted, confused way. She's just like, yeah, work, OK. Do what you got to do.
One night, I remember specifically, it clicked and I started crying. And I was like, no, the things that you're describing and feeling… you are a woman and you are fighting against these societal things that are saying otherwise and that's why you feel so fucking crazy.
From then on it was like I had a crush, and I was so excited to be around the crush, and crush was the future me. Just like I cannot wait to see this fuckin’ ho.
As soon as I started hormones my self-image changed even before my physical form started changing.
I like was like, I have big boobs, I’m so soft. So nothing had changed, but the dysphoria was leaving. Now I like absolutely love my body and I'm like, eat it, like this is a trans body and you really like it and I've shown you that you like it. And I like it, so I'm wearing it well.
I started shots recently, and now I do that every Monday or Tuesday, and progesterone…. I love her. They typically start you off with estrogen pill and a T blocker. Then I started taking progesterone. That is what helps you develop hips and ass because it redistributes your weight. When it first started, like I was lactating. Like projectile squirting, I mean like I could like shoot water guns. But when you take progesterone your body thinks that you’re pregnant. It also raises your libido, which, like T blockers do the absolute opposite. Progesterone made my sex drive like, feral. Like FERAL. Like I want to be pregnant?? Like staring at men on the streets like...I want this man to like, impregnate me?? Feral.
Callen Lorde. Grateful for that girl. But now I have a Amida Care which is low income healthcare for trans and queer people, and she covers everything fully. Everything is so expensive. So, to have options? And for the shit be like FOR trans people?
FFS (facial feminization surgery) is in question. Like I do really want it. But it’s terrifying. Yeah, it's so scary. Because I think there's like an idea that to need to get FFS you have to really hate yourself or your appearance. And actually I don't, like I actually think I’m quite stunning and I love my face. But there are things that make me feel a little dysphoric sometimes. But then I’m like, is this just because of society? Like, what the fuck does “feminizing” even mean like, I am a woman. So like I get into those things and I'm like, OK, well, even if it is a societal thing, it is so deep that it does make you feel uncomfortable when you deserve to not be uncomfortable.
Honestly I’ve been showing pictures of my mom because we look so much alike. But it was so interesting, like when I told my mom about it, she was like well, if you have to get it, like, do I not look feminine enough? Because we look so much alike. And I was like, girl, get out.
Now that my body is changing as I transition it actually allows me to not compensate as much, like I can be a little bit freer in how I dress. Honestly like I'm not trying to always dress high femme and wear tight clothing. Like I actually like looking like Adam Sandler sometimes and like I actually find that really hot. Especially like identifying as a male at one point, and then non-binary, like I’ve tasted all the the colors, I tasted how I'm perceived in each of those roles and then the takeaway is like, in my soul in my heart I know that I’m just like a genderless entity. Because gender is *literally* made up. And in this realm, this world like, yeah, I'm a trans woman. But what does that mean?
People fucking say what they want, no matter how the fuck I look, so do what you want. But it has given me more confidence to do that because I'm like, based off of y'all's cis straight standards, I am fitting most of that for what a woman looks like. So it's like y'all are crazy, like it’s you, not me. You're going out of your way to call me a man because you saw that I was so cunt and femme. And that pissed you off. Like men don't pass other men on the street and be like you're a man!! Like, you’re telling on yourself.
In nightlife communities, you’re allowed to do whatever. You’re allowed to play dress up without the daylight of cis straight weird people commenting.
Nightlife comes from trans and queer POC. That has always been the outlet where they were just allowed to be who they were. So they had balls and galas in the night where it could be a little bit more low key and hidden.
Not all spaces are the best, there’s definitely a difference between queer and gay spaces. I was performing in like predominantly gay, cis male spaces and they were not treating me respectfully or giving me the same attention as like other drag queens. But I'm like, I'm selling like trans excellence and sex to gay men. As a woman. And that's the disconnect, I think. And I think gay spaces are freeing for those who fit in that category. And I think like they are important, but I think in the same regard they just don't care about anyone else and they kind of got what they got and they're OK with that. And they don't want anyone to fuck with it.
There is no formula for gender.
There is no set way to do it. There's no correct way, it is individual. It's so great that we have guidelines and words for that experience, but you know, we're a society that loves making formulas and boxes. Sometimes trans queer people that express that, and then there are doctors are like, OK, here's the formula of hormones. And they go on them and they take them and they don't actually feel any better. Because everyone's body is different, and how hormones affect you is different. I mean, just like, take me compared to somebody else who's been on estrogen, same dosages, same amount of time, our bodies are gonna look completely different. We're taking the same exact thing, but every body is different. And in our medical system we treat it like there are two kinds of bodies. And I think that's kind of the problem.
When I came out as gay, as nonbinary, as trans, there was always the fear that if I want to change it's going to be harder because people are like, oh well you said that you were this. But people need to understand that this is always going to be fluid. And you as a person, gender identity or not, why would you not want to be changing and evolving?
When people refuse to update the pronouns they call people it’s like…. so you're telling me one of two things. One, you actually do have some cognitive issue that you can't think for yourself or control your thoughts, or two, you don't want to be mindful. You don't want to turn on your brain to take ONE second before you speak. Like my sister got married and changed her last name and the next day everyone started calling her a different name. And when she was in college, she had a nickname. And when she came home, people adopted that nickname and started calling her that with no problem. So I don't believe you that you can't do this.
When someone is saying, hey, I want to be called this, and this is what makes me feel good, I can't fathom why somebody just can't be like, “Period, work, done.”
