Devin (he/they)
I'm a fat, black, non-binary trans man. That's my whole gender.
And for me, being fat definitely plays into my gender, being non-binary and being a trans man, like it all plays into one. And in the summer, it is hard being fat, especially being fat and non-binary and a trans man and not wanting to get misgendered. In the winter I dress more masc. It's easier to get gendered correctly, and to be quote-unquote “passing” when I want to be, but in the summer it's hard. I don't wanna wear a binder. Especially trying to dress masc as a kinkster in the summer.
It’s hard, I enjoy wearing cute quote-unquote “feminine” clothing and I enjoy skirts. I enjoy crop tops. I hate wearing a bra. And like, our people get it. But then like, the cishets don’t. The amount of times I get she/her-ed... but I do feel way more comfortable with being feminine now than I did back when I was socialized as a woman, when I was identifying as a woman, I feel being more comfortable being feminine now than I did then. Yeah, there's just there's no right or wrong way to to gender. You have to let people do what they want, as long as they aren't causing harm to you. Which they're not.
It is fluid through, it's a moment to moment thing. It’s frustrating because when I go to pack things for traveling, I have to have equal masc clothes and femme clothes because I can't bring all the masc clothes and then want to dress femme, I can't bring all the femme clothes and then want to dress masc. And also like I said, being fat is part of that because my clothes take up more space and then I have to pay for a check bag or like, it’s a whole thing.
I was on Tumblr one day in 2014 and I came across like a master post of all of the known genders and what they meant, and I read non-binary and I cried.
I immediately looked at a gender neutral baby name website, and I was like, how do I figure it out? How do I find the name? And I came across Devin. And I loved it. And then looking up the definition, in some languages it means “divine,” and then in some it means “poet”. Back then I thought I was a poet.
I realized in 2019 that I wanted to medically transition and that was a roller coaster. Yeah, I cried for weeks. I was, like, freaking out, anxiety attacks, panic attack. Like, I grew up in the Bible belt. I was very Southern Baptist, like church classes seven days a week. I think my mom was stuck in her feelings about it, she still is honestly. She still makes comments about how I should just shave all my body hair and put barrettes in my hair. But anyway, then I was stationed in New York for work and a friend had invited me to a dinner for black trans and gender non-conforming folk. I was the first time I had been around with people like me and, and it was maybe fifty of us. And I bawled. I was like, oh, my God, what, there's more of us? I'm not some weird freak? It was beautiful. I went to as many black trans events as I could go to.
The beginning of 2020 I made an appointment with my doctor to get a referral to start medically transitioning, and within maybe a month I had an appointment with an HRT specialist. She was truly so great, and she immediately got me on all the things, I started out with a very large dosage of T and estrogen blockers, which a lot of people don't start with. I was able to achieve like my big three goals, which was that I wanted a deeper voice, facial hair, and I wanted a big dick, like bottom growth, and I got them all within the first year.
The cishets are not OK with situations where they're not considered cishets.
Even if the feelings of the attractions are there, as soon as they learn that oh, this is not what I thought it was, then they get upset. But like, don’t get mad at me because you like what you saw. It sounds like a you problem.
Believe it or not, the only two times that I've been harassed in public were here in Brooklyn, after I moved here summer of 2021, my first summer here, and I didn't tell my parents until like a year later. I was dressed quote-unquote “femme” because it was summer, and it’s hot as fuck. I was in Target with my partner at the time and this man was hitting on me and like walked up to me, and then he got close (I had a mask on) and he saw my facial hair and started yelling and cussing me out. In the middle of Target. It was horrible. Horrible.
If you are a cishet man and you are attracted to me, you want to play with me, you’re not as heterosexual as you think you are, and you need to deal with that before approaching me. I don’t mind fucking DL n*****, I have no qualms about that, but you can't be claiming to be cishet. If you can admit to me that that you’re queer, I'm OK with that, I respect that not everyone can come out, I respect the not everyone has capacity or a safe space, it's just not possible for everyone. Unfortunately that's the world we live in, especially Black folks. Like in our community it’s a lot harder, I get it. But you have to be able to admit to yourself, and to me. Because I'm not a woman and I cannot be physically or romantically involved with someone who sees me as a woman.
I broke off an engagement because I was engaged to a cishet man. And he told me that he knew me better than I knew myself and he deadnamed me and told me that I was a woman. It's invalidating for me. I don't feel safe. I don't feel comfortable. I can't relax. I can't enjoy myself if I'm with someone who sees me as a woman, who thinks I'm a woman, who's confused about who I am, because I'm not confused. You're confused bro. You're confused about your sexuality. That's what it is. Because I know who I am. I'm telling you who I am. But you don't want to see it like that because you can't explain why it turns you on. That's your problem. I can't be anyone’s therapist.
